It’s a fact that Nigeria needs its own set of emojis. Why, you might ask?
In the hands of Nigerians, minor day incidents can turn to Oscar winning productions.
Let’s start from the basics.
- Chai
What it means: At its most basic, surprise or amazement. On the more complex end, it can be a 1 hour lecture from an elder relative after you ask for a simple advice.
When to use it: Far more important is how to use it. Hands on your head, eyes wide open, dramatic body pose and make sure you really draw out that sound. The delivery is 90% of it.
2. Abeg
What it means: Literally, I beg you. In practice, when someone is flattering you and you know most of the praise isn’t true.
When to use it: Ideally use this gentle word to preface aggressive dismissals. Don’t forget to show the hand too.
3. Ghen Ghen
What it means: Equivalent to a loud, clear DRUMROLL announcing a showdown! It’s about to go down! Often follows some kind of trouble or wahala situation.
When to use it: Nigerians love an audience and you should use this call to alert ever-loitering rubberneckers and busybodies that some drama is about to play out.
4. All na wash
What it means: All is an illusion. Some might call this “faking it until you make it.” In practice, when someone is trying to get a favour from you and flatters you in order to get your approval.
When to use it: During election season, you can aptly describe and understand any politician’s behaviour through this simple phrase.
5. God forbid bad thing
What it means: A call to the divine to save you from terrible things in life – from natural disasters to going out with Uncle Banji.
When to use it: There’s no shortage of opportunity to invoke the Gods in Nigeria but if you’re bringing the Almighty into this, you should have a suitably grand gesture to go with it.
The full move is as follows: twirl your hand – or hands! – Over your head in a circular motion. The number of rotations depends on the gravity of the situation. Minimum two whirls. Snap your fingers as you do this. Some people add a foot stamp for garnish.
6. The Nigerian Amen
What it means: It does not mean a prayer has come to an end.
When to use it: To give false hope that a 40-minute long prayer is coming to an end. Say “amen” then continue talking for at least another 10 minutes. Repeat at least three times. (Note it’s never just “amen” singular. Say amen at least three times, getting louder with each repeat.)
Amen is also used to get favour. For example, say an office meeting opens with a prayer. Strive to say “amen” loudest to get approval points from the boss.
7. Story for the gods
What it means: Either you’re humming the hit song by Olamidé or you’re dealing with someone who is a master at telling lies.
When to use it: When dealing with people who are economical with the truth. If someone tells you “I dey church” but you know they’re really at Mama Ngozi’s beer parlour washing down catfish peppersoup with a fourth bottle of Harp, fire back at them: “Story for the Gods.”
