Buzz by Olumide Iyanda
Email: oiyanda@yahoo.com Twitter: @mightyng
Dear Dr Azolibe,
I am compelled to write you this letter, seeing that all other attempts to kick you out of my mailbox have failed woefully. I have marked you as spam, unsubscribed from your mailing list, reported you to Yahoo admins, sent you very insulting emails and even pleaded the blood of Jesus on you. There was also this one time that I explained to you that your desperation to sell penis enlargement and sex prolonging pills, creams and rings to me was like pitching Viagra to Fela Kuti. But you just won’t go away.
Like a cat with nine lives, you keep coming back. I am even afraid you have more than nine lives. I see your incarnation in Dee Obinna and Mr Ikemba. If each of you three were to have nine lives each, then I am dealing with an eternity! You are like a bad dream, an unending scene in a horror movie. And your annoying emails promising everything from enhanced “joystick” to ability to “satisfy any woman” read like a bad Nollywood script.
To cut to the chase, it is obvious to a man like me that your claim to having the solution to one of mankind’s most embarrassing problems is a cheap shot at 419. I don’t know who is more despicable; you or the crooked pastor robbing female church members of their mind, body and soul. Who told you I want my penis enlarged? How did you know I am not already a Kama Sutra devotee? I could hate sex for all you care. Maybe self service (interpret that to mean masturbation) is my thing. It obviously does not matter that half of the people you address as “sir” are actually women!
Got to the office this beautiful Monday morning and the first email that popped up on my phone was from you telling me that “when you have sex with a woman and you are not able to last up to 20-30 mins, you will lose 50% of your respect in her (sic).” On a Monday morning? 20-30 minutes for a round of sex? Is it Chelsea and Arsenal playing? You may be right that “women don’t enjoy 2-3 minutes sex and will never like to do anything with men who don’t last long in bed”. But do you have to ram it down my throat 15 to 20 times a day?
I actually thought I had managed to get you off my back. The last time I received anything from you was probably a month ago. Then came the mail this morning. From Mr Ikemba. I am not fooled one bit. I know you are one and the same.
What I really don’t get is how you keep coming back after I have unsubscribed from your mailing list several times over. Definitely, there must be something criminal about your operation. There is no point asking how you got my email address. You seem to have all Nigerians on Yahoo in your database. Virtually every Yahoo account owner I know – irrespective of sex or age – has been at the receiving end of your offensive mails. Please, spare a thought for the many women who, except in the very rare case of sex change, do not need any phallic improvement but whose inbox are crammed full with your garbage every day.
Perhaps, there are some people who are excited at whatever help you claim to offer them. Like the unnamed 40-year-old who was rescued by the Lagos State Fire Service and doctors at the Lagos State University Teaching Hospital (LASUTH) in July after a sex ring enlarged his member beyond expectation. As for me and most people I know, we only want to be rid of you. Stop sending me spam mails. I don’t need your services.
It has taken all the restraint at my command not to call you colourful names. But this has to stop or I may be compelled to contact the lawyers of a certain Nigerian bank MD. I am sure there is a section of the Cybercrime Act 2015 that prohibits this cyber harassment.
Signed,
A very idle Lagosian waiting in the office for his colleagues who are stuck in the Monday traffic
Rukky’s scandal
Rukayat Akinsanya, the scandal hugging Yoruba actress popularly known as Rukky Sanda, descended to a new low on Sunday when she launched a foulmouthed tirade against a fan who reportedly criticised her on social media. I have not seen the comment made by the woman identified as Okuyiga Oluwayemisi Semiu, so I am in no position to say if she stepped out of line but the light-skinned celeb’s reaction could only have come from the gutter.
Throwing expletives around as if her life depended on it, Rukky showed why it takes more than appearing in movies, walking the red carpet and flaunting cleavage in fashion magazines to make you a real star. When you call someone dirty, ugly and washed out the manner the actress has done, a lot of questions need to be asked about her self-esteem and value.
With that needless rant, Rukky has shown that stripped of all the make-up, designer clothes, fake hair, attached nails and shallow friends around her, she is one of the most pitiful girls in Nollywood.
