First Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu
Email: firstname.lastname@example.org Twitter: @Babawilly
(Originally written in July, 2000)
Dear Uncle Sege,
I am very happy to write you this letter. I have watched and listened with keen interest to your call to all Nigerians in the Diaspora to come back home to join in building our great nation. In fact, I have listened so tey I am now ready to pack all my boots and go back to my roots like Lamont Dozier.
First things first. I need a job.
I have one in mind. None other than the post of honourable Minister for Sports. Let’s fashie dat one for now though.
Ehen, I heard Baba Chelsea is coming to Nigeria on the 26th of August 2000. Hallelu-Halleluyah ! May I be so bold as to suggest ways of making his historic visit memorable? You see, that man like sax well well, so the first plan is as soon as he steps off Air Force One I want you to play the American National Anthem with full aplomb on the sax.
Actually, you will be miming for under the stage will be Femi Kuti, Orlando Julius, Isaac Hayes and Bart Simpson’s younger sister (Lisa) wired for sound but out of view.
Come to think of it, that your governor, the sax virtuoso of Cross River; Hon Donald Duke, and his deputy, Chief John Upka, could share the stage with you.
Friends are saying that if we serve Baba Chelsea cool kunu all our external debts will be a thing of the past as body go just dey sweet am so tey he go bring out cheque book come begin dey sign-sign. It’s worth trying o!
One more thing, all Monicas’ in the country must be converted to Morenikes’ lest our August (August !! Good one Babawilly) visitor thinks we mock him when he hears you shouting “Monica, Monica abeg bring Fanta and Cabin biscuit for Baba Chelsea ojare”.
Abeg warn NEPA O! If dem take light during Baba Chelsea’s speech in the airport blood go flow, period. (Abeg excuse the pun jo).
Anyway back to a job for me for when I land Naija.
I promise you fifty Gold medals at the next Olympics if I get the job.
Before I tell you how I will perform this miracle here are my demands.
- £100,000 a year for me and £2000 for every Gold medal in Sidney.
- A six bed roomed mansion (fully air conditioned) with indoor and outdoor swimming pools.
- Six house boys;
- one to shine shoe
- one to fry my eggs
- one to put the eggs on my plate
- one to say “Bless you Oga” when I sneeze,
- one to iron my shirts
- one to iron my trousers and
- one to fan me between Nepa striking and emergency generator coming on.
Okay, so I need seven. E no finis, e no finis e no finis
We shall discuss the rest when we meet.
This is how I will win 50 Gold medals for my Motherland.
I will mobilise the grassroots into participation of all sports. Winning will however need to be attractive and to achieve this I will replace Gold, Silver and Bronze medals with Rice, Ewa and Gari medals. (Ah-ah, na Gold person wan chop?)
These nourishing prices will be packed in 1 kg bags and hung round the necks of winners in all sporting activities with fancy ribbons. Walahi, the whole Nigeria will be fighting to get into sports.
Next I will zone all events as following:
- Table Tennis and Discus to OPC (Odua People’s Congress)
- Wrestling and Shot Put to Bakassi Boys
- Swimming and Rowing to Ijaw Militant Youth.
- Basketball, long distance running and high jump to APC (Arewa People’s Congress)
Before I forget there will be compulsory spraying of hard cash on the foreheads of sprinters as they cross the finish line.
As for 4×100 and 4×400 relay, that one will be zoned to the army for who in Nigeria can hand over batons seamlessly to each other like the army. As the song goes “But di correct name for dem na soja go soja come”
Boxing nko? No problem, stars boku for Lower House.
Triple jump nko? In the Upper House I hear say guys dey wey fit triple contract value so tey, come get ‘long leg’ enough to avoid indictment.
As for long jump, e get one street for Ajegunle with wide gutter wey everybody just dey fly across. Anybody for that street na Gold medal potential.
As for the shooting event, we are spoilt for choice. Enuff armed robbers full ground.
One palmy tapper wey fall from tree top don promise me say im go do pole vault once im fractured pelvis heal.
Before Northerners begin talk say I marginalise them, this na dia own.
- All those Durbar super stars will take part in the Equestrian events
- All the herdsmen wey sabi pursue cattle well well will be sent to Kenya for high altitude training with a view to Gold in all middle distance events.
I hope I get the job. And please, no build new stadium in Abuja, biko. Give me the money when I reach make I take do Rice, Ewa and Garri medals for the masses as our people are starving o!
- Power Mike
- The Rock
- Uncle Sege
- Homer Simpson
- Gani Adams
- Bill Clinton (Baba Chelsea)
- Head of FIFA
- Babayaro (Chelsea FC)
- Tony Blair and
- Modupe Oshikoya.