All my ladies

Wilson Orhiunu

Wilson Orhiunu qed.ngFirst Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu

Email: Twitter: @Babawilly

Every man has ladies in his life and I am no exception. I have ladies in my real world and others in the social media world. This article is about my Facebook female friends and I have about 800 of them. I will start with the men among them as I have a few wolves in sheep attires. These are the ones who have downloaded pictures of models off the internet and created a new identify. They profess their love and send random messages such as – “hi”, “Hello” and “what’s up”. I am no Hollywood A-list actor and thus do not believe that these advances I get are from real supermodels called Belinda or Blessing who happened  to have come across my picture and fallen in love instantly. These are 419 men; professional tricksters. Once a vulnerable man gets flattered with the attention, these ‘girls’ then ask for money.

As always, just like Pareto postulated, 80% of the drama you see would be generated by only 20% of your Facebook ladies. The remaining 80% have their heads under the radar and just observe; posting no selfies or picture updates of new pimples or rashes.

As for the drama queens out there these are my observations.

Too much make-up

People say Pablo Picasso died in 1973 but I have my doubts. He must be out there in Lagos working as a make -up artiste with Mary Kay providing the ammo.  There is just too much foundation, rouge, eye liners, etc. etc. clogging up our laptop screens. Now who will tell my ladies they look like masquerades? Their men don’t want trouble and have to lie. These friends all look like Van Gough pieces so the kettle cannot call the pot black. I see these pictures and ‘like’ for I am a polite somebody. What is all this make believe in aid of? I once visited someone without make-up for the first time and did not know who they were. That is the facial transformation agenda Picasso performs as he or his spirit travels across Nigerian homes worldwide. I for one have ingeniously devised a hug that ensures that my white shirt is never stained with these weapons of mass beauty whenever I embrace our women at parties.

I fully understand that there is pressure to look beautiful and I applaud the ladies for making the effort but less paint and more quality conversation please. You might have to read a minimum of two books a month to improve on the conversation but try biko. (Of course my family members don’t wear too much make-up. Ehen).

Too many expensive changes

Some of my female Facebookians change their hair weekly and upgrade their phones yearly. To them I say “e no easy to do effizi”. Carry go. Hair today, gone tomorrow no ni.I know I am being presumptuous here but I believe that some cannot afford these numerous variations of their ‘packaging’. Keeping up with the billionaires is impossible unless you are one. Please keep up with your mother (that is if she is living according to her means). On a personal note, a friend told me I was a globetrotter because he saw a picture of me in Nigeria and then upon a mountain. I explained that these pictures were taken in 2005 and were rotated the way a premiership coach might rotate his squad. Strength in depth no ni. Looks can be deceptive on social media. Don’t be tempted to compete with images you see.

An aversion to repeating clothes

Some of my lady Facebookians no dey wear dress or shoe twice. Variety is the spice of life no ni. I dey look o! Everybody loves a well-dressed woman. But who is paying the bill? If any man who sponsors a ladies taste in fashion inboxes me for a loan I will block him from my Facebook friends’ list for life. Wearing the same colours or clothes is not a crime. Usain Bolt always runs in similar looking apparel. It is what he does that matters not the clothes. Some people say publicly they only wear a pair of trainers once. Stop showing off please but if you must, then we shall look.

Uploading pictures in triplicates

You are all- three times a lady- if you do this and I love you all. This is the height of vanity. I see no point in having three identical pictures lined up side by side like there is an expectation of a Ronaldo free kick. These wonder walls on Facebook are usually on the pages of the ‘notice me’ brigade and I must confess it is a roaring success. We all notice you but what next? Well, keep us posted.  If any man however joins this trend I will block him from my friends list for life

Posing like you have painful haemorrhoids

Would not dwell on it. Reps ipsa loquitor. I have strong urges to refer these beautiful lady friends to a proctologist for treatment of their piles when I see them stand sideways to the camera in that painful constipated stance.

Too much pouting

I hope this trend will die a natural death. Thin lipped beauties in the past injected fillers into their lips to look thick lipped. (Caucasians trying to form Africans no ni). Now everybody is looking like Donald Duck with huge painted lips. Maybe they are all blowing me metaphorical kisses. I kiss you all back my darlings.

Skin toning

What can I say? Please if cream no dey enough to rub ya hand, then hide the black hand from picture and showcase only ya beautiful yellow face only


Man juss dey joke. All my Facebook lady friends are beautiful. Any man wey say Naija women no fine will be blocked from my friends list for life.