Home Away from Home with Abi Adeboyejo
Email: abi.adeboyejo@yahoo.com Twitter: @abihafh
I once stumbled on a book by an Irish writer, Marian Keyes. Her writing was fantastic, very ‘chick lit’ and humorous, my kind of good read. The book was titled ‘Anyone Out There’ and it dealt with some pretty heavy stuff. I won’t spill the beans on the storyline but I enjoyed it so much that I’ve read six other books by the same author. I am not trying to promote Marian Keyes’ books, but the first one I read had a very enlightening take on men and it got me thinking about what women want and what they actually need.
One of the characters in the book explained quite articulately that men come in two types: ‘Real men’ and ‘feathery strokers’. According to the character, Jacqui, a feathery stroker suggested an effeminate quality which immediately stripped a man of all sex appeal. Her criteria were wide and merciless and random. There was no definitive list but here are some examples. Men who didn’t eat red meat were feathery strokers. Men who used post-shave balm instead of slapping stinging aftershave onto their tender skin were feathery strokers. Men who noticed your shoes and handbags were feathery strokers. Men who said pornography was exploitation of women were feathery strokers (or liars.) All academics with beards were feathery strokers. Men who stayed friends with their ex-girlfriends were feathery strokers, especially if they call their ex-girlfriend their “ex-partner.” Men who did Pilates or exercise were feathery strokers.
The feathery strokers rules had complex variations and subsections: men who gave up their seat on the subway were feathery strokers—if they smile at you. But if they grunted “seat” in a macho, non-eye-contact way, they were in the clear. And some of her decrees seemed downright unreasonable—men who helped you look for lost things were feathery strokers. To end it all, sensitivity is the feathery stroker’s defining quality, his core characteristic.
So the point about feathery strokers was that they are sensitive. She made it sound like there was something wrong with sensitive men. She went on to describe who a ‘real man’ was. To summarise, he was anything but sensitive, and it was better to be a wife-beater than a feathery stroker (her words, not mine!).
My question is this: What is wrong with being a sensitive man? Ladies, correct me if I am wrong, but many women claim they like their men to be dark, brooding and silent. Mysterious, even, with an air of danger about him. For those who still don’t know, such men only exist in romance novels. If your man is silent and brooding, he is probably mean as well. Those traits don’t translate into romantic, passionate attributes except in people’s imaginations. The books say ‘real men’ don’t cry. In reality, a man that can shed tears and show emotion is the one who will consider his woman’s feeling before he does anything. ‘Real men’ are supposed to always get it right and be in control of situations. In reality, such men will never say sorry for anything they do wrong. They are arrogant, egotistical and vain. Real men aren’t supposed to care about their diet and they’ll eat anything even if it is bad for them. This means they are also fools who will develop preventable diseases from not taking care of themselves.
Real men are supposed to be able to bear pain- if slapping stinging aftershave into your jaw is supposed to indicate that you are a real man, then there’s real trouble. Surely, a ‘real man’ should be the one who could watch his wife give birth without fainting. Such a man would be regarded as a feathery stroker if the criteria above were followed. ‘Real men’ are supposed to date, mate and forget. Once the relationship is over, they aren’t expected to have any feelings for their exes. Doesn’t that indicate a lack of commitment and an inability to love deeply and totally? A feathery stroker wouldn’t necessarily lust after his ex, but at least would care about her wellbeing and be friends with her. I had an uncle who stayed friends with his ex- wife and even provided for her in his will when he died. ‘Real men’ are so into themselves, they even forget their current partners, let alone their exes.
It seems to me that while women claim they want ‘real men’, what they really need are feathery strokers. We really shouldn’t deride sensitivity in a man as a sign of weakness. ‘Real men’ are actually insecure men who act out the part that they think women want. And when a woman gets her ‘real man’ it is then she realises that one feathery stroker is worth 10 real men.
Just like women expect men to know that those willowy women on the covers of romance novels or magazines aren’t real or have at least been digitally-enhanced, so also men expect women to know that those tall, dark and handsome types on TV and in books with zero personality and all sex appeal aren’t ideals too.
Long live feathery strokers!
