How to lose a husband

Home Away from Home with Abi Adeboyejo

Email: Twitter: @abihafh

HAFH2There is no denying that there are times when the people we love most are the most annoying people around us. I guess we all have times when we are terribly irritating too, so it is an accepted fact that life, love and relationships involve a lot of give and take.

Most women who are married or in relationships with men agree that they can be very difficult to live with, but there are tried and tested ways of keeping hold of one without becoming less of a woman. However, for anyone desperate to get rid of their partners, there are also some perfect ways of making sure that your partner leaves you for good. In fact, if I didn’t know otherwise, I would swear that there is a book on these methods circulating among the Nigerian population in the UK. The rate at which men are leaving their wives is at an all-time high.

So, for would-be single ladies, the first thing to get the man out of the door is to throw away your manners. We are Africans (and as the JJC song goes: ‘awooh!’) and respect for one another is one of the fundamentals of any African community or relationship. I recently heard of a Nigerian girl who told her mother-in-law to stop coming to their house unannounced. She had to telephone first and find out if she (daughter-in-law) was in the mood to see her. Also, could she not use her smelly ‘Alabukun’ before coming? She just hated the smell of the menthol balm! Ladies seeking to get rid of their hubbies should refrain from saying ‘please’, ‘thank you’ or even ‘hello’ to their man.

Another sure way of chasing a man away is to forget about hygiene, the dirtier the better. You can stop caring about how you look now, especially when you are with him. Stop cleaning your ears everyday, brushing your teeth three times a day and taking a shower before going to bed. Don’t wear make-up and make sure all his friends see your all-too natural look. Your husband will eventually get tired of seeing the same untidy woman over and over again and file for divorce. Make sure the house is as dirty as you can make it. An acquaintance once got divorced in London. His sole grounds for divorce were his wife’s dirty habits. The last time we went to visit them before the divorce there were plates in the kitchen sink which had taken the added duty of biological-culture dishes. I am sure some of the dishes moved by themselves. The stench from their bathroom was unrivalled even by my old secondary school’s pit latrine. And there was a period stain on the bed sheet of their master bedroom! (I only went in the room to change my shoes). Now the ex-wife is telling everyone that her husband left her for a much younger woman and that he was unfaithful while they were married. Only a miracle would keep a man tethered to such a filthy woman.

Partying is a fantastic way of ensuring that your husband finds someone else to look after him. What’s the point of spending time at home with your hubby when there is a party every weekend? While it is a bit different for us Nigerians living abroad because we hardly have any parties in the winter months but come the summer and the parties come in thick and fast. So if you really want to get rid of that man just make sure you party all you want and come home at any time you want.

Avoid sex with him. Hint that you are getting ‘it’ from other sources. Dress like a wench and speak like one. Don’t call your husband on his whereabouts. Don’t sound and look like you are worried about him at all. Don’t take him to parties; he will only cramp your style.

Whatever you do, don’t forget the all-important fights. The more fights you can manage, the better. After all, the only reason your husband married you was to get a heart attack. Don’t hold back on the abuse when fighting – curse him, his family and even your children, for good measure. It will surely work! Disgrace him and outrage his relatives and fight with his parents and siblings over petty things. It is important that you make sure that your husband feels unable to relax in his own home. He can hang out with his friends as much as he wants. In fact, nag and shout at the slightest thing. Shift all your burdens on his shoulders and blame him for everything.

I used to have this very argumentative aunt. Her poor husband (my uncle), saved and bought her a used Peugeot 504 (which was a very good deal in those days). This woman took one look at it and declared that he should be ashamed of himself. Other husbands were buying wives brand new Hondas and Hyundais and he was huffing and puffing over a ‘Pijo!’ Needless to say they are no longer married.

The last and perhaps most important tactic for girls living abroad is to ask for your mother’s help. This works all the time. You need help with childcare so get your mum to come from Nigeria. Invite your mother to stay in your place permanently. Your husband will certainly not feel comfortable having your mother around. Tell your mum to be more motherly than she already is, by checking up on your marriage with your husband. Tell her to talk to your husband more often than she does to you. Let your mother see everything that your husband does, and never allow any privacy inside the house. Your husband will die from annoyance. Let your own mother do all the cooking for you, and let her wash your clothes, play with the kids, and watch television shows with you. More importantly, ditch your husband and share a room with your mother instead. If this doesn’t get the man to leave you, watch out. He may be planning on suicide!

For all women reading this article who aren’t seeking to get rid of their husbands, then common sense dictates that one should try not to act in any of the ways described above. While women find it very easy to blame marriage breakdown on their men, just this once, and in the spirit of fairness, I agree that many of us contribute unknowingly to the heartache that we sometimes face with our spouses by becoming unloving, quarrelsome, mean-spirited and foul- mouthed.

But before men start rejoicing that a woman has finally seen things from their point of view, I am not done yet! Next week, I’ll be exploring how men inadvertently make their wives leave them. And it won’t be pretty.