Introducing DJ Trump – The American Nightmare

Yinka Ijabiyi

Unpopular side with Yinka Ijabiyi

Twitter: @Yinkakan Instagram: @oneyinka

America is set for the greatest drama of its life. It has contrived, through a broadly transparently manipulated democratically shameful process, to elect a comedian as its commander-in-chief and potential presser of its nuclear button. Yet Donald J Trump is no one’s fool. He is a nearly fully self-made man. He may not have made himself but at least unlike another recent bushy president, he didn’t ruin every business venture he laid his hands on. He was no fool, dunce or a-hole. Call him a bulldozer, a bully or a mad man and he would certainly appreciate those compliments. He does not suffer fools gladly. He’s blunt beyond a fault. He is not afraid of a fight. He welcomes fights actually. He is also a whimpering cowardly bully who would make a lot of noise and back down at the final sign of a fight; like a Yoruba man. His businessman rivals those of any Igbo man. And his thirst for rulership is a stride by stride match for Buhari and Northern Fulani Generals. In one frame, Donald J Trump is Yoruba, Igbo and Hausa Fulani. He is a more qualified Nigerian than any one man in Nigeria.

But that’s not really it. Americans have voted a showman into their highest ranking office. But again, this isn’t the first time. Actor Ronal Reagan had shown that it doesn’t matter who or what you are or once were, you can be President of the United States of A. George W. Bush Jnr is living proof that dunces stand a chance too. So stop making fun of rednecks; one became President. Trump is smarter and full of more of the right stuff of rhetoric though. You cannot survive the number of catastrophic near bankruptcies that he has endured, survived and shone above without having definitely clobbered death and tucked him in your pocket. Like Fela. So Trump the survivor is set for the ride of his life. And America is ready.

The next four years will be a circus with the Republican animals in the ring. It will certainly be fun to watch the American President open his mouth and bile spills forth. He is already learning to eat his words like someone with hot roasted yam and fresh palm oil in his mouth while talking. He is the physical embodiment of the problem with democracy; it will be fun to see a live American po-liar-tician in action. Hyperbole and vituperations were invented for politics. You can’t make it in politics if you can’t lie or blow your opponent out of the water with spurious allegations and unfounded “truths”. If you have not destroyed every vestige of the carefully and painstakingly built reputation of your opponent, you can’t win. As a rule, you are not allowed to play fair. The saying about all being fair in love and war is valid; for both of them.

Donald Trump is already recanting a lot of the threats and promises he made while traversing America and feeding them the rhetoric they craved so as to win their support. Things he said in living colour, he is denying in black and white. His choice of lieutenants are already saying “na joke” to most of the hate speeches he shouted from behind the American pulpit. Sad rhetoric from a man who hated and made fun of handicapped people, loved grabbing women’s crotch, refuses to pay his taxes and treats his workers anyhow.

Trump is too much living and breathing material. Late night TV writers will love him. Horror movie writers will find him inspirational. Hollywood in general will perch in the shadows in feverish anticipation for the end of his term to roll out those movies about him. Broadway writers are concluding their script for Act One Scene One now. Very soon they will have enough material for Act One Scene Two. Comedians will probably be the most delighted of the lot. Everyday will bring them weird new material. Trump will make America a great nation of highly resourceful people again because he himself will be their raw material.

There’s no doubt that businesses will flourish under him. He has successfully built a multi-billion-dollar business empire so he knows what it takes and what’s required and so he’ll do the needful. His own business will continue to thrive of course. He’s handing over to his sons but keeping his stake. That’s like laying a feast in front of a man and then tying his hands behind his back. The guy will be able to dive in with his mouth but to really eat or drink go hard.

Nigerians are also in for very good television. Their favourite and most available channel, CNN will ensure they see the foibles, gaffes and stupidity of the man Trump in living colours. X-raying his every move and word will soon become a favourite pastime. They will make sure Nigerians, and the plenty other territories DSTV and others beam them to, see Donald as the antichrist. Fox News and other anti-democrat news channels did the very same to Obama. We here got the good side of the Obama phenomenon. Most of America saw the tainted and ugly side. Little wonder they didn’t want to vote to bring in another ‘Muslim lover’ into their tainted White House. Huma Abedin was way too tainted and what was Hilary doing with a private server if she had nothing to hide?

And oh, there will be plenty of Obama drama to look forward to too. Obama’s life outside the White House will be lit. Imagine being the President Trump replaces! And being a black guy on top of that. A trailer load of hate headed his way for sure. Obama’s pretty smart and he’s got Michelle stoically behind him like hunchback so no shaking for him. Trump’s already dismantling his legacy – the unwinding of Obamacare has begun (How come MS Word recognises a word like Obamacare without lighting it up with the screaming red lines???). Trump has also hired a senior special adviser on spiritual matters no doubt to chase away the black evil spirits Obama may have left behind in the White House. Lol. But it would take a bit more than that to destroy the legacy of a strong black man like Obama. History will still hold him in high regard; First Black Man to be President of the United States. And First Black Man to soon be First Man of the United States. We are waiting. Actually, I’d like to help Michelle run. Oya Universe, make it happen!

All in all, the next four years will be lit (like they say now). Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States of America. Welcome. Let the fireworks begin.