Farewell to complaining

Wilson Orhiunu

First Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu

Email: babawill2000@gmail.com Twitter: @Babawilly

Eureka! I have discovered the purpose of sleep! Such a simple revelation that makes you wonder why no one thought of this Nobel Prize-winning explanation before. Sleep is designed to give human beings a break from complaining. Finito!

People complain throughout the day, setting up turbulent brain waves that can be harmful if continued for 24 hours nonstop. Quite simply, there is only so much ‘why me?’, ‘am I gaining weight?’ or ‘nobody loves me’ a simple brain can cope with.

If brains could open a door by the side of the skull and walk out for a short holiday, many hotels would have brains sat on bar stools, chilling out before they go back to that coconut head they call home. Brains would also take leave when the drugs and alcohol come flooding in.

As with the price of houses, the sources of inspiration for complaints depend on three things namely location, location and location. Anywhere people are, they complain about. Most adults will spend most of their time in three main locations which are the work place, the home and asleep in bed.

The first two locations may vary for prisoners, students, the hospitalised and those on tour with a rock band, but I am sure you get the general idea.

In summary, two third of the time is spent complaining about the work place, the spouse and kids (or lack of a spouse) and sometimes the lack of quality sleep the night before.

Now, this brings me to my next discovery which is deserving of a second Nobel prize (isn’t everything double-double for Nigerians?). That is, complaining is self-destructive.  A kind of suicide on the slow burner that makes you depressed constantly till it finally stops your heart.

Parable 1

The lions of Serengeti called for applications to fill the post of treasurer. A post made vacant by the sudden demise of lion Tim at the sharp and sturdy horns of a herd of buffalos.

The pay and hours were nice and many applied. In the spirit of equal opportunities, every animal was encouraged to send in a CV from the feathered flamingos to tree faring monkeys. In the end, the job went to lion J from a distant herd of beasts and the whole of the Serengeti was awash with murmurings of nepotism and partisanship.

Months later, the monkeys and the flamingos caught up with lion J at a popular watering hole and asked him how the job was going. His answer threw them back. “Those wild beasts know nothing about management or civilised conduct. They are crude, crass and egocentric. They believe they know it all yet are complete fools.”

After 50 minutes of non-stop volcanic bile, an old wise monkey tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I suppose you realise that they employed you because they believed you would blend in with the furniture.”


“They believed that you fitted in with their corporate culture and ethos hence they employed you. They are in other words your mirror. When you talk about them, you talk about yourself,” he said.

Parable 2

Mr Monkey Banana aka Mr B had a brilliant business idea and went along with his business plan to see the town’s main angel investor who happened to be a relative.

“Iyawo nko? How is Mrs Monkey Banana?”

“Forget that woman. I am here to discuss things that bring money and happiness abeg,” was Mr B’s reply.

“What has gone wrong?”

“She has no initiative abeg. Hmm. She has a talent for making bad decisions. If she rings me now to say she has just bought something in the market, I can guarantee you that her purchase will be rubbish. She has bad taste and poor judgement.”

“Monkey, but she decided to marry you abi?”

“Uncle that is the only good decision she has made in her life,” said Monkey.

“I see.”

“Uncle, she cannot cook, she cannot dress, she cannot clean the house, she cannot even go two days without breaking a plate or tumbler and after washing up Uncle, the plates are still dirty. Ah- ah! That woman wants to bankrupt me. She has bad luck. Since I married her all my socks have been developing holes. Please, let me not say the one I should not say. Let me tell you about my plans for manufacturing Monkey Banana wine. I feel very passionate about this idea.”

So the PowerPoint presentation went ahead. Forty minutes later, Uncle Money Bags was stroking his beard and looking less than convinced about the investment opportunity. Mr Banana decided to help him make up his mind with a customised pep talk.

“Uncle, I really believed in this project. You will triple you investment in a year. Trust me uncle, I am convinced and totally sold out,” said Mr B.

“Yes Monkey, just like you were sold out on Iyawo 12 months ago abi? I am a bit concerned about your judgement. Monkey go home and sleep.”

Eureka! My third discovery is this; the reason we say good night at the end of the day is because we all have that Blacked Eyed Peas feeling of an impending good night. Seven hours free from complaining. Everybody grab your pillow tight so we can wake up with a refreshed brain and shout ‘good morning’.

Well, the morning stays good till the complaining starts all over again.