Christmas message (Comedy)

Wilson Orhiunu

First Gentleman with Wilson Orhiunu

(Email: Twitter: @Babawilly)

It was testimony time at the Christmas service and the grateful saints stood in line dressed in the best fabrics in the land (in some cases the worse of sartorial ineptitude was on display). The remit was universally known; this was a one minute per person chance to say what the Lord had done.

Tunji, the new convert grabbed the microphone and hit the ground running his mouth.

“I am new to the church and I had stopped drinking. Two nights ago I was tempted and I fell”.  He cast an eye to the Plaster of Paris moulded around his left wrist.

“My old friends tempted me with free Christmas drinks and I took too much.  My brethren, the flesh was weak but the spirits strong”.

The whole congregation was thrown into laughter much to the anger of the assistant pastor who stood next to Tunji.  He grabbed the microphone and told Tunji to make his point quickly.

“My brethren, on the way home I fell into a ditch and next thing I was in heaven before an angel.  He wore a name badge but I could not recognise his name from our pastor’s sermons.

“I asked him if he had just been hired.”

‘What was his name, Satan?” asked the assistant pastor frowning.

“God forbid o! His name badge read PEACE.  He told me he was coming to this church to fight for our peace,” replied Tunji.

The whole congregation screamed “Amen”.  The air was filled with excitement so much so that no one noticed Tunji was now on his third minute.

The angel asked why I drank spirits that night and I said “for my stomach sake”.

He said “wine is a mocker”.

“I replied, Jesus turned water into wine”.

“We were playing lawn tennis with words like PDP and APC. That was when I saw a forehand smash blast my left face. It was a hot angelic igbati. All the hair on my right side began to glow with electric sparks, including the hair on my right blokkus. I screamed ‘Jezos!’

“Instantly that face slap cured me of the urge to drink, steal and womanise. Today, I sat next to a lady who closed her eyes and lifted her hands during worship but her bag was open; unzipped on her seat. It was like looking into a big steaming and inviting ogbono pot with fish, ponmo, panla, and beef all calling your fingers by name. If na bifor eh! Praise the Lord for angelic slaps!”

The congregation screamed “Amen”.

“Yesterday I was working at my workshop and a beautiful lady walked past but I kept on working. Usually once they walk past I give 15 seconds before I look at their behinds because this Lagos babes wait five seconds before they look back to see if they can catch you looking at them. When the 15 seconds arrived I did not look to see the workings of her backside as she walked.  The angelic slap has delivered me o!!!”

The congregation screamed “Amen o!!!”

A female voice pierced the atmosphere with “Please Angel Peace, come and slap my husband o!”  This was too funny to be true.

Tunji never smiled. As he continued a male voice shouted, “How did you know that the passing lady was beautiful?”

“My brethren, since that slap I have got a revelation that all women are beautiful. I did not need to look up.”

The church was thrown into a Merry Christmas pandemonium as the senior pastor’s wife stood up and began to scream “amen!”

The musicians who did not miss a trick interpreted her leg movements and soon all the ladies in the house joined in. After a full minute of dancing for ‘beauty revelation,’ the First Lady grabbed the microphone and said, “No one should interrupt this Christmas testimony again, ok!”

A hush fell over the congregation, for she was a formidable woman. Her hat alone could shield at least 12 righteous families in a storm.  After the Holy Trinity, the angels and Satan, she was the next feared person.  Even the senior pastor and all his team feared her, citing, the fear of madam is the beginning of wisdom as their defence. In her younger days, whenever she got pregnant, half the ladies in the church did likewise. A real inspirational leader in both the prayer and bed chambers she was.

“The Angel Peace gave me a message for the Church. He said that Christmas is a gift for the world. The gift is Jesus.  Anytime God gives a gift, sometimes there is no room in the inn to give birth to it.  E bi laik sey all dis big men politicians take all the rooms of privilege and opportunity in society and the gifted common people have no way in. The Angel said that God has gone ahead of us to make room.  Don’t worry that it is in the manger. God has given all the malu and goats there constipation for the preceding week, so you will birth your dream and commot but dem no go shit on your gift”.

“Amen” the people screamed.

“Once gift commot, wicked Herod people go hire assassins to come kill the gift.  Angel Peace say Na lie o!! They will not kill our gift.

“Some of you, no room in the school; some of you, no room for marriage; some of una, no room in the places of business but God will make room for you!  Weda na boy’s quarters, or manger, the wise men will seek you out there and give you expensive gifts.  Even if na under tree you dey go school, Harvard Professor will come and meet you there and give you great gifts of knowledge.  The heavens will open wherever you are.  Joy to the world through you and peace on earth!  Na so Angel Peace tell me Tunji.

‘I come ansa, Ok sir, but my hand don break, you no go heal am?’

‘Angel Peace come say, ‘Heal wetin? You no serious! Na me send you to drink Ogogoro? Carry yourself go Igbobi hospital my friend’.”

Merry Christmas’!