Can a couple be in love without sex?

Olumide Iyanda

Buzz by Olumide Iyanda

Email: Twitter: @mightyng

Olumide-IyandaGrand Comedian of the Federal Republic (GCFR), Ali Baba, initiated a Twitter debate in 2013 with the hashtag #WhatCanAmanDo2MakeAwomanFeelLoved. A lot of women, some of who were probably in a loveless relationship, thanked him for throwing the issue up for discussion. In no time, his timeline was buzzing with responses. Some of his female followers also tweeted that their men should take a cue from the discussion, with one writing “Hope my hubby is currently following and going thru @ALIBABAGCFR timeline?”

As to be expected of social media discussions, some of the responses came from people who are not half as smart as their phones.

The following, however, were some of the replies I consider rather sensible:

“Don’t place your football club above her.”

“Don’t compare her to other ladies. Show her that you are proud (of her) as your choice.”

“Give her the passwords to your phones, e-mail, ATM cards and others.”

“Talk to her. Treat her with respect, especially in front of your friends and family.”

“Really LISTEN to her even if you feel she is speaking gibberish.”

“Buy her that Christian Louboutin she went crazy for in the mall two days ago.”

“Love and fear God and be the caretaker of her heart.”

“Look into her eyes; share her joys and sorrows and just be there for her at all times.”

“Tell her you love her. Surprise her with gifts (things you know she likes).”

“Cook her best dish for her sometimes as a treat.”   “Buy her the latest jeep.”

“Appreciate her cooking and eat the food whether sweet or not.”

“Find out things that interest her, bring her into your own world.”

“Do not compare her to her friends or your ex.”

“Notice little things like her new hair, dress; never forget birthdays and anniversaries.”

“Give a helping hand with chores when you are home.”

“Don’t leave her to go hang out with the boys every weekend.”


There were a whole lot of other entries that cannot be captured on one page of newspaper. It should be pointed out again that all the statements above were made by those who should know – women. The profile of the respondents is the type of demography used for surveys into human activities and social interactions.

One may be tempted to compile the above statements from the mouth of our babes and recommend it a holy writ of what women want, but Ali Baba himself was quick to point out something that was conspicuously missing from the responses he got. His next question was: “So who made men believe sex was so important?”

Can one pass any survey that does not list good sex among the things a man must do to make a woman feel loved as authentic?

It is often said that women need to feel loved to have sex, while men need to have sex to feel loved. That may explain why none of the women in Ali Baba’s debate mentioned the three-letter word as one of the important things in their love-o-meter. Perhaps the gospel is for men to seek ye first the love of your wife and every good sex shall be added unto thee.

Maybe I speak like a man – and I don’t think it is a matter of over simplification – when I say there are husbands who do almost all of the things listed above but whose wives still complain that what happens (or does not happen) between the sheets is enough to make them extra nice to their drivers.

The point must be made that, like women, men also need more than sex to feel loved. But very few men will feel loved if there is no satisfying degree of intimacy. Sadly though, it is common to find couples who stopped showing each other the kind of affection they did when they were dating because sex after marriage has taken a backseat to some “more important issues”.

In the words of well-known mental health professional and talk show host, Dr. Phil (McGraw), “the belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners. Sex might not be everything, but it registers higher (90 per cent) on the importance scale if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue.”

One does not need to be a married veteran to know that a happy woman is one who is loved, respected, valued, appreciated and treated as if she’s the most important thing in her man’s life. A woman with no sex drive or the need to be attractive to her husband cannot be happy. If she claims to be happy, her husband won’t be and someone may be getting a helping outside.

Like women, men also need someone who loves, supports, is committed and faithful to them; someone who will always be there for them, who they can rely on, a partner, a team-mate, someone they can fully trust.

Some may still find it hard to say it publicly in this 2014 year of our Lord, but the reality is that women need sex – sometimes of the wild and varied – as much as men. Members of both sexes wake up in the morning on some days feeling like a roll in the hay.

Communication should take priority over sex in any relationship, but ultimately there won’t be one without the other.

I could not join Ali Baba’s Twitter debate because he said it was strictly for women, but I guess I have just spoken the mind of many men – including him.